At times we so desperate for love that we settle to the thought that, they might love us. Love is something we all looking for and at times we would do anything to be in a relationship.
Are we desperate for love or to be in relationships? I found myself falling in love with a man who already had a family. He made me believe that he was into me, I fell for his lies. I recall him messaging me and saying he wanted to marry me, knowing our African tradition on polygamy, I believed him, I wasn’t init to ruin it for the wife but to find my happiness with this charming man I met on Twitter.
Before we met personally, our little affair seemed to be the best and suited the both of us. He’d text and call for no reason, I fell in love with him more knowing men were bad in communicating. Suddenly earlier this year things went south. I started sensing he was now cheating on me and lying a lot.
I would send him messages and I will receive silent treatment from him, I’d beg him to answer him but whenever I suggested that we break up he’d be soapy about it and start telling me he was depressed and all.
I fell for it and then blamed myself, but I saw a pattern in his behaviour and it frustrated me to lengths that I brought his wife to our fights. He then told me they had divorced months ago. He would fume whenever I said he was married or lying about the divorce.
I ended up thinking the divorce was real but something inside said he was lying about it too. I cc”ed his wife to one of my emails to him only for the wife to say, they were still married and expecting their second child. Since that discovery I had never heard from him again.
It was painful finding out that he lied to me about many things but I was blinded by my love for him. I have healed now and happy I found the closure I needed to move on beyond his lies.
The signs where there, I chose to ignore them. I have no one to blame but my ignorance. I am glad I was able to confront him and show him that the truth have a way of coming out.
We can’t hide the truth forever, lies are damaging and destroy people. No matter how painful the truth is, we need to learn to be honest with ourselves and the people around us.
One question that many of us women ask ourselves, will love find me? Some of us are in toxic relationships with the thought that they might one day evolve to be our best love to experience.
Have been in love with a narcissist whom I thought by showing him my affection and devotion to him, he’d change to be the man I needed in my life, only for me to constantly cry myself to sleep. Loving him made me insane that I became a person I was never familiar with.
Yes, I lost myself loving a man who didn’t love me back, deep down I knew he didn’t love me back but because I was exposed to women in happy marriages and relationships, I envied them to an extend that I was willing to cry myself to sleep than be regarded as a single woman.
I’d pretend my relationship was the best thing to ever happen to me but I was hurting inside, losing my sanity over a love-less relationship. My “lover” would not initiate communication, I was the one always contacting him first. It got worse to an extend that I’d text him I loved him only to get a thank you as a reply. Believe me it pained but I was in denial. Thinking one day he would love me back, but he never did.
Having to attend my friends weddings was a nightmare as my married girlfriends would ask when will they meet my bae, had master the art of making excuses for him that I too believed them. It got to an extend that I became a prolific texter and him labelling me a psychotic person because of it, he never even bothered to know what I liked or didn’t like, loving him was my pain and I couldn’t just leave.
I am learning to let go, so that real love can find me, even when I still love him but I know is not the healthy love I need. Love shouldn’t hurt we told but love comes with flaws too, I am now learning to love myself more and to love him from a distance. Only if we chose who we fall for. With all said, I still believe in love.
May love find us all.
I am one of those people who would need to call or text a person who has angered me and I end up saying or texting things I will later regret. It has become a bad habit that I lose awesome boyfriends because of this.
I always force myself to appear strong even when am at my weakest. I force myself to smile while am literally in flames inside, I do this because I can’t really share my true emotions instead I tend to snap or have outburst. My emotional wounds are still so fresh because for years I have suppressed them and tried so hard to just forget about them.
I was once an A student who has now became a C student because of my emotional struggles. To many I am calm and sweet but to the men who were my boyfriends I am the opposite. I have since decided to deal with my demons and traumatic past because they tearing me apart.
I have bottled up so many things that I am choking in emotional pain. I cry myself to sleep and told myself the time is now to face all my emotional pain head on, I can’t be walking around being mean or hurting those who love me.
I don’t share my pains because I think many really don’t care or looking for sympathy. But I am now with a thought that because I can’t talk about my pains, let me write about them; there is healing with ink. I believe writing can be therapeutic that I can write to heal my emotional pain and burdens holding me back to becoming the best that I can be.
I am a horrible people to love at the moment, but as I walk in the path to emotional healing I genuinely need to become the best version of myself, all I want to be is to be loving, noble,kind and most importantly compassionate. I am in a journey of healing and I know it won’t be an overnight one but I need to be patient with myself and fall in love with myself all over again.
Love heals, knowing that I am loved has healed me physically and helped me to remain standing. My emotional wounds were overwhelming and taught me that one can be drowning in pain without anyone seeing you torn apart because you smiling, I now understand why some commit suicide and I say they are not weak because emotional pain is different and we don’t deal with it the same way.
Emotional pain can cause anxiety and depression if not dealt with appropriately, I have believed for years that forcing myself to forget about my pains meant I was strong but this actually damaged me. It has made me to have psychotic episodes and seeing a “Clinical Psychologist” who asked me to recall all my pains and that it is only through facing my pains that I will be able to let go and let bygones be.
I have decided to distance myself from my social circle in order to heal and really deal with my demons. I don’t like off loading my troubles to friends because they too have their own troubles, adding that most of my friends are married mothers. Having had to recall all my past pains and trauma had me reaching my breaking point, for the past weeks I have been at my lowest sadly there was an awesome person whom I directed my anger and frustrations at, I don’t even know why I did what I did but I know I can’t continue directing my anger to anyone but I have to deal with it and let the true me be reborn.
I am not this mean person I have become, my mom didn’t raise me to be a bitter and rude woman. She taught me to love unconditionally and to be kind to everyone even my worst enemy. I have to break the pattern that I have been in for the past years because of my emotional struggles and the flashbacks.
I am learning to let go but this requires me to face all my traumatic past. I am a diamond in the rough, my time to shine will come, like the wise say: ” it is really darkest before dawn”.
If there is anyone reading this and going through emotional struggles, I ask of you to seek help, going through pain all by yourself can be overwhelming, if you can’t, write letters to the universe about your pain then later burn them. This method also helped me.
Talking about one being a rape survivor has never been easy, because you have a feeling of guilt, embarrassment, thinking the world will blame you for the rape.
Adding that many have accepted rape culture into our communities, we even have motherswho are willing to save the image and reputation of their lovers or husbands at the cost of their children’s suffering. Some of these rapists are even our relatives and we fail to report them to the police because it might jeopardise the unity amongst those affected.
Sadly those who are supposed to protect us are the ones hurting us. You can’t just be at peace because of the flashbacks, rape leaves a scar that no one can heal, you just try to live happily after regardless of the ordeal then BOOM something triggers the flashbacks and you all emotional again because you chose to forget the incident and never dealt with it, so it keeps coming back.
A time comes when you have to deal with the ordeal and learn to let go of the pain the flashbacks bring. Many who have been sexually abused the flashbacks bring pain and affect their love relationships, loving someone who hasn’t dealt with being raped can be hard. Life with them is like a rollercoaster and you never know their state of mind whenever you want to be intimate with them, today they aroused when you want to be with them in a romantic way, the next time they cold and throwing tantrums.
All you can do for them is to let them know you there for them and try to help them in their healing period. Many will not stand the tantrums and jump ship but of you really care you’d be there regardless, rape is a scar that is there for a lifetime.
Many choose not to talk about their ordeals because we living in very judgmental communities and rape survivors are usually blamed and told they deserved the rape. Many are raped by people closest to them which makes it more painful and can drive the survivor to depression and anxiety.
I for one I can’t stand rape scenes on tv or movies, the pain is just too much. Why are people so inhumane? Rape is the worst thing for anyone to go through. I understand that we need to talk about it, but can I talk about it without being judged? This is a question many rape survivors ask themselves.
All we need is love, even when it’s difficult to love us. Knowing that you are loved heals.
I am the voice of those silenced.
Some days you just sit and wonder why are some people still in your life, whereas you fight like Tom and Jerry, can this mean you can’t really be separated or just so used to the abuse?
I personally have those folks I secretly wish we could just outgrow each other and forget we were ever close but I know it can only be done if I am brave even to tell them I think we should go our separate ways.
I somehow know we will be better off separated but I don’t want they thinking I am rejecting their affection or loyalty but it will be best for my sanity.
I am now even thinking I might be bipolar because of my moods changing in their presence. Whenever I try to not communicate, they be trying to reach out to me or even assume I might be hospitalized because I am known to be a sick baby. Then I end up having to call them and lie about work or school being hectic.
I have always had my siblings and cousins as friends and friends outside family I find them a bit demanding, with my cousins I don’t have to see them every weekend or call them daily they know I love and care for them. With external folks you seem to have to assure them they loved.
Can’t people know even in your silence you still adore them? That at times life happens and we get caught up in our own thoughts and we need some time alone without them nagging us to call or text them daily?
We can’t always keep in touch with our loved ones, they don’t need to doubt our love. We have work, school and by the time you get home you just want to bath and sleep.
Can people try to understand our different schedules? Like we can’t always be physically there but spiritually we are always there.
To my loved ones, you all are always in my thoughts and you have a big special place in my heart.
“Yes, but there are interesting shortcomings.
For the majority of the population, life is much better. Living standards have grown immensely and most people life is much better. Most people live in modern dwellings and far more have access to running water and electricity. Many more also have access to basic healthcare and access to education. The number of people who suffer from malnutrition or general hunger has plunged. For the average South African, life has improved immeasurably. Race relations have improved greatly and the country is greatly freer from racial strife.
South Africa’s biggest problem, among many, however come from a simple overreliance on the state. 45% of South African’s households rely on state handout just to survive. The race wealth gap is still immense and is only shrinking when whites get poorer. The private sector economy is a basket case; 40% of Blacks are unemployed and among whites the unemployment rate is 8.9%, still pretty high. Only 10% of the black population has full medical coverage.
After Apartheid what happened was quite simple; it was decided to focus on social harmony and equality rather than on building a strong market economy. This was, to be entirely fair, what the majority of South African’s wanted and has indeed improved living standards immensely. Between this and the ‘truth and reconciliation’ groups, much justice was done, but the results could have been better. In 1994 South African GDP (PPP adjusted) was about $9000 per head, whereas China’s was about $200. Now South Africa and China both have GDP/c PPP values of $13,000 and $16,000. Despite the end of Apartheid, other countries have done much, much better at creating wealth for the citizens. Inequality is also stubborn. Whites are still vastly, vastly better off than Blacks and South Africa has one of the highest levels of inequality in the world. More importantly, aside from the judiciary, the government is hugely corrupt.
To be honest, things are better than Apartheid. This is because however, anything is better than Apartheid. Once the economy and military went from oppressing the Black population, to giving handouts to the poor, things improved as one would expect. There has not been, however, an impressive improvement in living standards caused by economic growth and the gap between Blacks and Whites still persists”.
The answer above was given by Joseph Kottenhout on Quora and I strongly agree with him.
Yes, the ANC government have it’s flaws but credit need to be given when it’s due. It saddens me when I hear some people saying apartheid was better than the current government.
We might have selfish,corrupt and greedy leaders but to compare them to the likes of Botha and Verwoed is just low. Many of our elders still have wounds from the past and PTSD which is not treated.
The ANC factions are too loud too but that doesn’t mean we have to write off all the good they have done. All that we hoping for as South Africans is not to be the next Zimbabwe.
Our leaders need to go back to the drawing board and recall why they fought for our freedom, that they now spitting on. We can’t just give merit to one just because of their struggle credentials but how skilled and capable they are to led us to an inclusive economical transformation.
We can’t allow politics of the stomach to be the order of our presidency or allow our state to be captured. We need black industrialists and our youth educated. The only way to reach for our full potential as a nation is for us to be united and fight for the common cause which is getting back the land and an economy that favours all that lives in South Africa.
Our leaders cannot do this solely, they need our support. More reasons we need to honour our privilege of casting our votes when election period comes, staying at home and complaining about our government is not the answer.
Voice out your support and frustration in the polls, pointing out the wrongs of our government is not enough, we need solutions. Together we can make South Africa great. She’s the tip of Africa, holding all the strength that is Africa, we can’t allow her to fall.
Africa shall rise again only if South Africa reigns supreme and unite the rest of Africa to be one.
Let us all unite and make our motherland a giant that she is.
Our nation has become restless and this shameless barbarism in our atmosphere has led South Africa in mourning. The hatred on oneself has once more “colonised” our people.
Many of my compatriots and myself are disturbed, distraught,angry,puzzled by this hatred some of our brothers and sisters have for our people. Every morning I wake-up wishing someone will wake me up from this nightmare,Oh…my tears are red with blood of our African brother Emmanuel Sithole. As I cry for my people are living in fear,Oh…but African Child !!why turn against your own? As I weep because of the tip of Africa is in pain.
Is this a campaign to murder Africa? What kind of a brother have so much hatred in him that he kills his brother? My hearts beats no more, it is bleeding. Bleeding for “One Africa” Africa that is borderless.
South Africa,blood has never been a solution, you are no more a slave of unhappiness. It is disheartening to see my people starving, my people going days without food,this poverty is tearing us apart. It pains,but dear African Child it doesn’t give you the right to have your own orphaned.
What happened to ubuntu? Chaos order of the day? Poor service delivery is a nightmare,not being able to put food on the table pains,idling in the streets because of no job,all of those are too heartbreaking but it doesn’t justify murder!
Self-hate is not only poisonous to your thoughts and soul but also damaging to an extent of ignorance. All we do daily is blame government and our African people.
As Africans we need each other,but we have turned against our own. We have colonised ourselves. Just two months back you were calling your brother “brother” suddenly you hate him and want him to leave…
PAUSE!! THINK AFRICAN CHILD!!
Listen to your inner voice, don’t let steered anger control you!
We are one, Africa. This brutal attacks are shaking Africa,if we do not stop them we will perish and be broken forever.
We have our brothers and sisters trafficked as drug mules, prostitutes or forced into armies. How can our own do this to our own? How does one sleep at night knowing they have sold their own to the sharks and demons? Why are we doing this to our own? The only way for all this to end is for all of us to work together as one, be united and only spread love.
The struggle for one Africa continues. ….Aluta
Leadership is a broad term which is defined in many ways by different people. To some leadership is about having social influence with a good reputation and charisma.
Philosophers, business people and academics had also defined leadership differently but they all direct it to a leader who is transformational, innovative,inspiring, dedicated, team player, visionary, a strategic thinker.
For example John C Maxwell defined a leader and leadership as follows: ” a leader is one who knows the way and shows the way. Ultimately leadership is not about glorious crowning acts, it’s about keeping your team focused on a goal and motivated to do their best to achieve it, especially when the stakes are high and consequences matter”
One can add that leadership is taking responsibility of both the successes and failures of your team/organisation collectively and not shifting blame to individuals, like we have witnessed during local election in 2016 instead of the majority party taking the responsibility of losing major metropolitan cities they shift the blame to low turn out of voters and minority parties forming “coalitions”.
This in itself questions the state of our country’s leadership? One cannot shy away from asking, are our leaders capable of leading us to the change that is needed? Are they accountable for their actions? Are we being led or are we managed?
Leadership is about having Integrity, doing the right thing when no one is watching is leadership, refusing to be corrupted is leadership. Being able to inspire others to be innovative, motivating others to become leaders that is leadership.
Being a leader does not only mean one needs to have a higher IQ than everyone else, a leader is a lifelong learner who is willing to teach and learn from others.
Emotional Intelligence is also crucial in leadership, an emphatic leader is one who puts themselves in the shoes of others and able to reach common ground, compassion and being a good listener that is leadership.
In conclusion leadership is not a one size fit all concept, it is a broad term which can be simplified based on qualities, characteristics and traits that make a good leader.
No loving fellow compatriot ain’t seeing the tiny mess our country is in. We try to take all that’s happening in and its a bit confusing,is like we have to take sides,one can’t just be neutral, somehow you end up taking someone’s side.
We seem to be divided because of some rich family who don’t even know some of us,these wealthy families we seem to be in dispute for do they really care about the ordinary citizen? Do they care to better our lives? Are we caught in battles we should rather overlook? …. Why are we not fighting for what will be beneficial to all of us,like land, economic power, free quality education and job creations.
We now puzzled by the CIEX REPORT, does ABSA have to pay back the R2billion? We wait for Public Protector’s final report and hope the truth will be told.
We have been moving in circles around State Capture that almost everything happening points back to it. We wait on Save South Africa too on the CIEX REPORT to be finalized by Adv Mkhwebane.
South Africa is a very interesting nation. As we try to add the pieces to the puzzle box, may we learn to be united and peace to all.