I am one of those people who would need to call or text a person who has angered me and I end up saying or texting things I will later regret. It has become a bad habit that I lose awesome boyfriends because of this.
I always force myself to appear strong even when am at my weakest. I force myself to smile while am literally in flames inside, I do this because I can’t really share my true emotions instead I tend to snap or have outburst. My emotional wounds are still so fresh because for years I have suppressed them and tried so hard to just forget about them.
I was once an A student who has now became a C student because of my emotional struggles. To many I am calm and sweet but to the men who were my boyfriends I am the opposite. I have since decided to deal with my demons and traumatic past because they tearing me apart.
I have bottled up so many things that I am choking in emotional pain. I cry myself to sleep and told myself the time is now to face all my emotional pain head on, I can’t be walking around being mean or hurting those who love me.
I don’t share my pains because I think many really don’t care or looking for sympathy. But I am now with a thought that because I can’t talk about my pains, let me write about them; there is healing with ink. I believe writing can be therapeutic that I can write to heal my emotional pain and burdens holding me back to becoming the best that I can be.
I am a horrible people to love at the moment, but as I walk in the path to emotional healing I genuinely need to become the best version of myself, all I want to be is to be loving, noble,kind and most importantly compassionate. I am in a journey of healing and I know it won’t be an overnight one but I need to be patient with myself and fall in love with myself all over again.
Love heals, knowing that I am loved has healed me physically and helped me to remain standing. My emotional wounds were overwhelming and taught me that one can be drowning in pain without anyone seeing you torn apart because you smiling, I now understand why some commit suicide and I say they are not weak because emotional pain is different and we don’t deal with it the same way.
Emotional pain can cause anxiety and depression if not dealt with appropriately, I have believed for years that forcing myself to forget about my pains meant I was strong but this actually damaged me. It has made me to have psychotic episodes and seeing a “Clinical Psychologist” who asked me to recall all my pains and that it is only through facing my pains that I will be able to let go and let bygones be.
I have decided to distance myself from my social circle in order to heal and really deal with my demons. I don’t like off loading my troubles to friends because they too have their own troubles, adding that most of my friends are married mothers. Having had to recall all my past pains and trauma had me reaching my breaking point, for the past weeks I have been at my lowest sadly there was an awesome person whom I directed my anger and frustrations at, I don’t even know why I did what I did but I know I can’t continue directing my anger to anyone but I have to deal with it and let the true me be reborn.
I am not this mean person I have become, my mom didn’t raise me to be a bitter and rude woman. She taught me to love unconditionally and to be kind to everyone even my worst enemy. I have to break the pattern that I have been in for the past years because of my emotional struggles and the flashbacks.
I am learning to let go but this requires me to face all my traumatic past. I am a diamond in the rough, my time to shine will come, like the wise say: ” it is really darkest before dawn”.
If there is anyone reading this and going through emotional struggles, I ask of you to seek help, going through pain all by yourself can be overwhelming, if you can’t, write letters to the universe about your pain then later burn them. This method also helped me.