It has been over 100 days since our State President declared a national lockdown due to the corona virus pandemic. The uncertainty of what tomorrow holds keeps drowning many of us and it is taking a troll on many of us.
It is amazing how it is so easy to feel stagnant in love with this lockdown. It was disheartening to read the increase in divorces and one starts to ask if it was due to the uncertainty we all going through or people won’t really married to their better halves.
A few weeks into the lockdown I had a on very handsome man slide into my Twitter DMs and we exchanged numbers so we could continue chatting on WhatsApp. The first few days we were both smitten and would chat for hours till midnight. I got so come with this person that my vulnerability came out and little did I know it will actually push him away.
I am one person who is not shy to talk about what she’s going through and at times it might be too heavy on some people. So, I now wonder if talking stage with a potential should be the honeymoon and your emotions should just be camouflaged with smiles and a canvas to be painted with a flawless life?
Are we not supposed to share our ‘ I am scared “ moments because it is still the early stages? Isn’t that like deceiving the next person to actually fall in love with the flawless you? Why should we portray I am perfect persona during talking stages? Why am I not allowed to say “ here I am?” But rather dress up something I am not. Why do some people see opening up as a form of baggage? Sadly, I love hard and allow myself to go through all the grieving stages after a breakup. I don’t just snap out of it.
I have bottled up so much in my life to a point where I said, no more. So even during talking stages I won’t portray myself as being flawless, if a person is going to be in my life they have to know the real me. I take my time before cutting ties with people because when I decide to, there’s no turning back , and I know I would have done everything to remain civil.
I have also been learning about karmic relationships, and I truly battle with them. A karmic bond is one of those relationships you really need over with a person but it is a roller coaster ride. Most times the relationship is one sided. I have learned to observe my karmic relationships and the patterns. My concern is that I battle taking my lessons from karmic relationships and moving on with my life. I have tried anything to snap out of the patterns but it is so much to deal with.
The patterns drain me so much and I have an attachment style that I would do better without. Now, the big question is how do I unlearn this attachment style. Whenever I vow to let it all go it becomes like an addiction I can’t just get over. More than anything it frustrate me and I wonder what it does to the next person receiving it. I am so over trying to hard to fight this and I just watched my relationship with many people get ruined by this but I am truly trying to get better.
Some relationships are not worth fighting for but some are. I need to save those that mean the world to me but lockdown Love is draining to be honest. So many of us are going through a lot and it makes us seem like we don’t care.
Frustrated in love,
Molemole
MolemoleSeima 